Beyond Consequences - It Really Works!

First off, if you want to know what I'm talking about, go to www.beyondconsequences.com

Here goes....

I attended The BCI Instructor’s Course this weekend in Denver Colorado, and if just for this one day, things are this much improved; my life is greater because of BCI and parenting out of a love based model instead of parenting out of fear.

Most people don’t even recognize that they do parent out of fear. And if they did recognize it, they possibly couldn’t admit it. It’s amazing when you really take a step back and take a look at the way that you react to your child’s outbursts.

Prior to attending the training, I was definitely parenting out of my own fear. I was afraid of losing control. I was afraid of having a child, who grows up to a life of crime, or acting on impulse and getting himself into serious trouble. I was afraid of parenting in a manner that other people didn’t deem “strict” enough. When my son would get upset (like he did just 30 minutes ago) and start screaming “you never…” or “you always…” I would be right back in his face reminding him of all the fabulous things I’d just done for him. Let me tell you this story and see if it helps…

We have just spent the day at Starbucks, then therapy this morning. We then went to a store, where my son did a fabulous job of staying calm, with my help, while he selected something to spend his allowance on. We then met my husband for lunch together at a restaurant. Things were going fabulously! (That should have been my warning). I decided to take my son swimming and give my husband a little time to take a nap. So, we came home and changed clothes, then headed to the pool. At the last minute, I decided to run to the store and get a toy boat that he’d been asking for (it was a whole $1.50). He was so happy about that. We go to the pool, all is well and then I decided to hit Sonic for an ice cream on the way home. What a nice day it had been! Yes, I do recognize that I have just created a VERY stimulating day for my son, but things were going so well, I kept coming up with new fun stuff to do together! I wanted the feeling to last.

We arrive home and he ate his ice cream. He played a game with my husband, and then headed out to play with a friend. His friend wasn’t home, so he came back and when I saw the look on his face, I knew where we were headed. I turned around and pulled him to me and asked him what was wrong. He quickly decided that he wanted to do a craft with me. I was right in the middle of cleaning the kitchen, so I told him when I was done, we would do something. That wasn’t good enough. He turned and started to head out of the room. I tried to get a hold of him and hug him (that usually works to calm him) but he wanted none of it. He stormed off into his room. I calmly followed (forcing myself to take deep breathes and not start yelling at him, or FORCE him to hug me to calm him down). He saw me follow him and he turned to face me as he shut his door in my face. I can quite honestly say that in the past, I’d have NEVER allowed that door to be shut in my face, but this time something clicked for me. I stood outside his door and took a deep breath. I could hear him just on the other side of it. I’m quite sure he was braced against it just waiting for me to start forcing the door open. I quietly and calmly said “I’m not going to push your door open. When you are ready for me to come in, I’ll be waiting right here.” He immediately said “you can come in” and he turned the doorknob for me.

I went in and he started throwing things, kicking things, his beanbag chair included, then he flopped down on it and started to scream and cry. He screamed “you NEVER have time to do things with me! You are always working!” In the old way, I would have begun listing all the things we had done together, starting off with Starbucks together at 7:00 that morning, but, instead, I somehow remained quite calm and I lay down beside him on that bean bag chair and said “oh, Shane, I am so sorry.” He continued with “you always have work to do, and you never have time to do anything with me!” I simply stated again how sorry I was and that he looked so sad and possibly angry at me. He continued his rant and I continued to apologize and reflect what I saw in his eyes. He turned and looked me in the eyes. I believe he saw that I was truly sincere. He slowly reached up and caressed my face and said “it’s alright mommy.” I just remained silent and lightly rubbed his arm, and from time to time, his face. I then said “I think we need to do something together. The kitchen can wait.” (This was after a good 10 minutes of me just laying there and showing him I had no where to go). He said “no, it’s okay. I know you need to do that.” I said “no, you are more important than that, so what would you like to do?” ….

So, we spent a few minutes together, and he ended up wanting to go outside and play without me, but, wow….what a difference! He is now regulated, as am I, and I am feeling pretty good about that whole interaction. Now, do I know that I will mess this up sometime? Absolutely! Do I know that there are times it won’t turn out quite this perfectly? Of course! But, if nothing else comes of this, I know it works. I’ve seen it first hand, and was able to take my son from a state of extreme dysregulation, to a calm and regulated state all by simply staying connected, and validating his feelings. THIS is truly parenting out of love. THIS is how I know this works!

I miss my boy...

Well, last Saturday, Steve and I drove our son to go and visit his grandparents. He's never stayed away from us this long, so we were a bit unsure as to how this was going to go. Steve and I stayed until Sunday morning so that we could celebrate Father's Day together with my parents and with Shane.

I've spoken to them most everyday, and things seem to be going well. I know that my parents are quite exhausted I'm sure, but doing quite well with him it seems. He's had a few of his little bad attitude problems, but nothing that they can't handle.

My mom did call to tell me that Shane had made a couple decisions while there. He decided that first of all, we would be going to East Texas for Christmas next year, so my mother was very happy with that idea! He has apparently also decided that we will be MOVING to East Texas, but one more thing...he will live with grandma and grandpa while we live close by so that he can visit. Do you think that he is having a good time with Grandma and Grandpa? I believe he is.

Today, it hit and I miss him a lot. I am ready for him to come home. I will be going to pick him up this weekend, but I sure do miss him! Can't wait for him to get home!

A Fish Called Kevin...

Today, as Shane and I were driving home, I made a spur of the moment decision to buy him a beta fish that he's been wanting for a long time. We went in and got it and he was on cloud 9. We already had the tank and things at home, so we came home to get it all set up.

On the drive home, he was trying to come up with a name for his fish. He first thought he'd name it Ben, from Ben 10. Then, he thought of Jared (who knows why). And finally, he landed on Kevin. I have no idea where that name came from, but hey, it's what he wants to call his fish, so who am I to argue!?

So, we get home and I start setting up the tank. I walk into the other room and he gets concerned that Kevin will be lonely in the kitchen while we are working on the tank, so I tell him to just bring Kevin along with us. (Poor fish probably never had such a bouncy caregiver before!) This next part just brought tears to my eyes.

I walk out of the room and as I'm coming back, I hear Shane talking to Kevin the fish. He is telling the fish that he finally has a good home and it just took some time to find the exact right family for him, but now he has the right family. He is leaned down with his face right at the edge of Kevin's little temporary bowl home and telling him in the softest, sweetest voice, "I'm right here. You don't need to worry. I'll take care of you." That was the most beautiful thing!

Of course now he's out riding his scooter and Kevin is swimming around in his new home, but I suspect we will hear many many conversations that take place between Shane and Kevin! What a cute pair!

I Am Legend...

Sitting here just a few minutes ago, Shane turns to me and says "mom, you are a legend in my mind!" I'm thinking, "wow, how incredible am I?!" Then I ask him to explain a legend and he proceeds to tell me that a legend is simply someone who is remembered for something they do very well. So, Shane tells me that I have 3 things I will be a legend for: 1) riding dirtbikes 2) scrapbooking 3) music/singing. I was sure hoping that an awesome mom was going to be in that list, but oh well!

Then Shane tells me that he is a legend as well and his things are: 1) art 2) music/singing 3) rock collecting. Then, a bit later, he adds that he should probably have a 4th one as well and that would be dirt biking. But, then he decided that since he really didn't like to ride a dirt bike, that he probably shouldn't be a legend of that.

His dad, well, that one was obvious. His dad is a legend in: 1) streetbiking 2) gun stuff 3) collecting stuff.."like going to China and finding cool stuff to have sitting all over the place." We then talk about how amazing it is that he seems to have legendary stuff in common with both me and his dad. He says "wow, that is amazing!"

What a kid!!!

A few of my favorite pictures...

This is a picture that I recently took of my beautiful boy! He loves playing with his legos and one day, he was out playing with his friends, and I decided to snap a couple quick pictures. I might be just a tad bit prejudiced, but I think he is one of the most adorable kids I have ever seen!!

A chapter closes and a new one begins...

I never would have guessed a year ago that today, I would walk into my classroom at Texas School for the Deaf for the last time. That's right. I begin a new job soon with Leander ISD and although I'm excited about this new adventure, I'm quite sad at leaving so many great friends at T.S.D. But, even more than all my friends, I will miss my students the most. They were SUCH a great source of peace and comfort for me. I knew that anytime I needed a lift, my students would provide that for me, so I am sad to be leaving them behind. Hopefully, in my new position, I will find the same peace and fulfillment that I had at T.S.D.

Shane too had a chapter close. He just completed 3rd grade and his teacher this year was absolutely fabulous! I truly do not have enough good words to say about her. She was the best thing that could have happened to Shane. As I picked Shane up from his after school care yesterday, he sat in my truck and cried his eyes out saying "I'm going to miss my teacher! I love her so much!" What an incredible way to touch a kid's life. She was/is awesome!

This also was Shane's first time to spend an entire year at one school with one teacher consistently. Previously, he had moved from one foster home to the next before ever completing a full year with one teacher, so this one is extremely special in his life and is a milestone that we will cherish forever.

Steve's back is still giving him fits. He had another procedure done recently to hopefully help alleviate some of the pain, but it's a matter of time before we know if it worked or not. I certainly hope it does because he really needs some relief.