Beyond Consequences - It Really Works!

First off, if you want to know what I'm talking about, go to www.beyondconsequences.com

Here goes....

I attended The BCI Instructor’s Course this weekend in Denver Colorado, and if just for this one day, things are this much improved; my life is greater because of BCI and parenting out of a love based model instead of parenting out of fear.

Most people don’t even recognize that they do parent out of fear. And if they did recognize it, they possibly couldn’t admit it. It’s amazing when you really take a step back and take a look at the way that you react to your child’s outbursts.

Prior to attending the training, I was definitely parenting out of my own fear. I was afraid of losing control. I was afraid of having a child, who grows up to a life of crime, or acting on impulse and getting himself into serious trouble. I was afraid of parenting in a manner that other people didn’t deem “strict” enough. When my son would get upset (like he did just 30 minutes ago) and start screaming “you never…” or “you always…” I would be right back in his face reminding him of all the fabulous things I’d just done for him. Let me tell you this story and see if it helps…

We have just spent the day at Starbucks, then therapy this morning. We then went to a store, where my son did a fabulous job of staying calm, with my help, while he selected something to spend his allowance on. We then met my husband for lunch together at a restaurant. Things were going fabulously! (That should have been my warning). I decided to take my son swimming and give my husband a little time to take a nap. So, we came home and changed clothes, then headed to the pool. At the last minute, I decided to run to the store and get a toy boat that he’d been asking for (it was a whole $1.50). He was so happy about that. We go to the pool, all is well and then I decided to hit Sonic for an ice cream on the way home. What a nice day it had been! Yes, I do recognize that I have just created a VERY stimulating day for my son, but things were going so well, I kept coming up with new fun stuff to do together! I wanted the feeling to last.

We arrive home and he ate his ice cream. He played a game with my husband, and then headed out to play with a friend. His friend wasn’t home, so he came back and when I saw the look on his face, I knew where we were headed. I turned around and pulled him to me and asked him what was wrong. He quickly decided that he wanted to do a craft with me. I was right in the middle of cleaning the kitchen, so I told him when I was done, we would do something. That wasn’t good enough. He turned and started to head out of the room. I tried to get a hold of him and hug him (that usually works to calm him) but he wanted none of it. He stormed off into his room. I calmly followed (forcing myself to take deep breathes and not start yelling at him, or FORCE him to hug me to calm him down). He saw me follow him and he turned to face me as he shut his door in my face. I can quite honestly say that in the past, I’d have NEVER allowed that door to be shut in my face, but this time something clicked for me. I stood outside his door and took a deep breath. I could hear him just on the other side of it. I’m quite sure he was braced against it just waiting for me to start forcing the door open. I quietly and calmly said “I’m not going to push your door open. When you are ready for me to come in, I’ll be waiting right here.” He immediately said “you can come in” and he turned the doorknob for me.

I went in and he started throwing things, kicking things, his beanbag chair included, then he flopped down on it and started to scream and cry. He screamed “you NEVER have time to do things with me! You are always working!” In the old way, I would have begun listing all the things we had done together, starting off with Starbucks together at 7:00 that morning, but, instead, I somehow remained quite calm and I lay down beside him on that bean bag chair and said “oh, Shane, I am so sorry.” He continued with “you always have work to do, and you never have time to do anything with me!” I simply stated again how sorry I was and that he looked so sad and possibly angry at me. He continued his rant and I continued to apologize and reflect what I saw in his eyes. He turned and looked me in the eyes. I believe he saw that I was truly sincere. He slowly reached up and caressed my face and said “it’s alright mommy.” I just remained silent and lightly rubbed his arm, and from time to time, his face. I then said “I think we need to do something together. The kitchen can wait.” (This was after a good 10 minutes of me just laying there and showing him I had no where to go). He said “no, it’s okay. I know you need to do that.” I said “no, you are more important than that, so what would you like to do?” ….

So, we spent a few minutes together, and he ended up wanting to go outside and play without me, but, wow….what a difference! He is now regulated, as am I, and I am feeling pretty good about that whole interaction. Now, do I know that I will mess this up sometime? Absolutely! Do I know that there are times it won’t turn out quite this perfectly? Of course! But, if nothing else comes of this, I know it works. I’ve seen it first hand, and was able to take my son from a state of extreme dysregulation, to a calm and regulated state all by simply staying connected, and validating his feelings. THIS is truly parenting out of love. THIS is how I know this works!