Appreciation...

This morning, after church, I spent time with my 2 favorite guys, my husband and my son. As we sat eating lunch together, and Shane looks up at me and says in that sweet voice of his "mommy, thanks for fixing my lunch so it's easier for me to eat" (all I did was cut it up in to little boy size bites, but that means a lot to him).

It's so interesting to me the things that Shane appreciates. Toys, activities, getting to stay up late, those are the things that Shane doesn't SEEM to appreciate very much. It's the little things that surprise me when he makes a big deal about them. Whether it is helping him brush his teeth right, or making him a glass of chocolate milk. He is a very "thankful" kid and I appreciate that, but it also hurts sometimes. To know that he's had so little in his life, that he recognizes that these little things are a big deal. How many kids at the age of 8 years old recognize the small things? I know I'm certainly learning a lot from this beautiful little boy. I'm learning to appreciate the things I have.

Boys...

What is it about frogs that is so fascinating to little boys? And why do they think it's hilarious to chase their moms around with them just to hear mom scream? Why is it that every little boy has polarized feet so that puddles of water draw them in like a magnet? What is it about dirt that no matter how little there is, it will end up on his face?



See, it's been one of those incredibly awesome days in the life of a little boy. He's tromped in water, searched for minnows in the creek, came home smelling just awful from sweat because he was playing so hard. He has played from sun up until sun down and the day isn't over!



To watch him play makes my heart light. All the troubles of the world seem to fade when I see the smile on his face, and in his eyes. Sitting at the table, he quietly says "mom, can I have a hug? I've been so busy playing today that I haven't gotten very many!" He's just incredible. Sure, being chased around trying to see if the frog will pee on me isn't my idea of fun, but it sure is his! And, I intend to do everything I can to ensure that this little boy has more fun than his share! Sure, there are hard times, and times when I have to put my foot down, but the beautiful, sweet smile of that little boy, and his soft voice saying "mom..I love you" seem to wash the hard times away.



I'm so thankful for this precious gift that I've been given. I just pray that I do right by him and raise him in a way that makes him know that he is loved, wanted, appreciated, and worth more than his weight in the buried treasure that he loves to hunt.

Too Long Gone...

It's been way too long since I've updated my Blog. Life got crazy over the summer and I simply didn't take the time to sit down and write.

This was my first summer to be off and have a son! So, it was a brand new experience for me, but it was good. We all had a good summer, but I believe we were all ready for school to start.

Shane met his new teacher and she seems quite nice. Shane has always liked school, so I hope that continues for many many years.

We started Shane taking Tang Soo Do a couple weeks ago. He asks almost daily if we are going and he seems to really enjoy it. I hope that sticks with him too!

This summer has been interesting because I've been doing a lot of thinking as usual. I watch other moms with their children and I see the bond that they have. They've had since their child was in their womb to develop that bond and I so want to have the same bond with Shane. I know he still, even though the adoption is final, has doubts as to whether we truly love him and whether he will really be with us forever. I hope those doubts melt away soon and he allows us to hold his heart...truly hold it and care for it the way parents should.

I long for the day that I can be the mom that I see so many others being. I have this vision of being the perfect mom. Doing and saying all the right things, and I know that will never be the case, but I want to be the best mom possible for Shane, so I'll keep working on me, and do whatever I can to help Shane trust us fully.

A must read book...

After soccer this morning where Shane played a great game, and his team won as well, we had lunch, and then went to the swimming pool (did we wait the hour after eating before swimming??? Is it an old wives tale?! I guess you'll never know!) :)

Anyway, when we go to the pool is one time where I have the chance to sit down and read a book and really contemplate it. A friend of ours from church gave us a book called "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. I've gotten through the first 4 chapters and to me, this is the book to beat all books. It gets straight to the basics of raising a child in a Godly home and helping that child grow up making decisions not out of fear of his parents, or fear of disapproval from someone, but he makes good decisions because his heart is a heart that wants God's approval.

While I was reading this book, one thing that popped out at me probably the MOST is that when I get "angry" at a misbehavior, if it is "unholy" anger, it is a sin! I must confess that when I get angry at something that Shane has done wrong, it is probably 99% of the time, this unholy anger and I have sinned against Shane and against God. When we get angry because his behavior makes us look bad, or simply because he didn't do exactly what we asked when we asked it, we are sinning.

When we yell at our kids, we are sinning. This is one of the verses in the bible that makes this truly hit home. "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." James 1:19-20 One thing the author of the book states about this is... "If you correct and discipline your children because God mandates it, then you need not clutter up the task with your anger." Wow...that's really powerful to me.

God has commanded us to discipline our children out of love. We mess it up when we let our feelings get in the way and we get angry.

There are lots of great points, but another one that stood out to me is that discipline is corrective, not punitive. Even in the short time we've been together, I can tell that the times that I've been able to sit down and explain why things are wrong, and get to the heart of the matter have made a MUCH greater impact than any amount of grounding, or "punishment" could ever make. I'm not saying punishment is wrong at all. God said not to "spare the rod". But, it should never be punitive. If it makes me as a parent feel "vindicated" when I punish my child, I am sinning. I do not have my heart in the right place and in turn, I am not teaching my child to obey God, I am teaching them that if they don't do what I want, I'll "make them pay!" Sure, this might work on the outside and get kids that have had the "fear of God" put in them by their parents, but it didn't train their hearts.

Dear God...help me see past myself to see that you have given us an incredible task. As I watched Shane playing in the water today I realized that God has entrusted us with this beautiful life. Shane is a child who is charismatic. People love him! He's beautiful on the inside and outside. He's seen and experienced things that adults should never have to see or experience, and he's come through them. He's strong on the outside, but his heart is broken and God has placed his heart in our hands. I just have to remember that God is holding onto our hands to care for Shane's heart.

Thank you God for this little life that has more potential than I can even begin to imagine...and please help me to strive to be the best I can be for him...

My first dream...

Last night, I had my first dream about Shane. It was quite powerful and filled my heart to overflowing with love for him.

I remember being some place where we had been separated into teams and Shane and I were separated onto opposite teams. The counselor that I work with at school, Elena, was in my dream, as well as my best friend Allette.

We were put into armor and placed on opposite ends of a big field. At this point it gets kinda mushy, so if that stuff makes you want to throw up, you might want to stop reading. :) Anyway, so, we are across from one another and I can barely see his face. Elena looks at me and says "think about how he might be feeling right now..once again, separated from him mom." So, I said "well, then I'm changing teams!" She said, "No, you can't. We have to stay on the teams we were put on or we'll get in trouble." I said I didn't care and took off running towards Shane (yeah, I know...kinda makes you want to gag)....Shane just stood there as I reached him. I kneeled down and hugged him like I hadn't seen him in a million years.

I didn't know it, but my team had followed me across the field and I looked to my right and there was Allette. Her eyes were filled with tears, but I didn't know why she was crying. All I knew was that I was there and had my little boy and everything had been made right.

See, told you it was pretty mushy, but hey, it was my first dream about him, so I HAD to write it down regardless of how mushy it may be.

A Little Boy and His Straw

So, yesterday was going along nicely. I was sitting in the teacher's lounge eating lunch when the phone call from the elementary school came. Mrs. Loftin, your son is in here and he just threw up. Our policy is that if a child throws up, they must go home. So, I pack up and head that way. Just before I got there, I run into the store to get some 7-up and soup for him.

I go into the nurses office and see him there. He says "mommy, I threw up" in that sweet little voice of his, so I want to just take him home and take care of him. The nurse tells me that because he threw up, he cannot come back the next day. You should have seen his face drop. "Tomorrow is Splash Day, and now I can't come!" I told him it would be okay. I'll take him home and help him get well so we can have some fun this weekend. All the while I was talking to him, he truly didn't seem that sick, but I figured the nurse knew more than I did. So, we headed home.

I get him on the couch (trash can nearby) and get him some 7-up and crackers to help settle his stomach. I don't do well with bodily fluids, so I knew if he lost his lunch, I most likely would too! So, I wanted him well! I took his temperature...no fever. I turned on the cartoons, covered him up and he layed there. Every few minutes he'd ask me a question, and you'd think he wasy saying his dying request with how softly and strained his voice was. It made me chuckle a couple of times because when he wasn't thinking about it, or I wasn't close by, he was in full voice! :)

So, as the day goes on, I realize that he's not sick. He may have gotten sick, but he's fine now. But, he's upset about not getting to go to Splash Day. So, I called my work and let them know that the school said he had to stay home, which meant, I needed a sub. Not a good day for it with 4 other teachers absent, but I had no choice.

So, in trying to console my little boy, I told him that if he was for sure well by tomorrow, that he and I would go do something fun (like going to a movie or something since we were forced to not go to work and school). He loved that idea! So, the rest of the day went by without a hitch.

Dinner time....as he is sitting there waiting for me to come sit down he says "mom...just so you know I really am not sick, I need to tell you the rest of the story." I didn't know where he was headed at first, but here it came..."Well, you know how they give us straws with our milk? Well, I always play with it and put it in my mouth and I accidentally stuck it down my throat and made myself throw up." So, of course, the kids nearby holler "Teacher, Shane threw up!!" So, he gets sent to the nurses office and you know the rest.

So, what do I do?? Well, I went to my neighbor who has a 9 year old daughter and asked what she would do. She suggested that I take him to school and explain what happened. So, this morning we loaded up and headed to school. I felt like a kid back in school and in trouble sitting there in the Principals office. We saw the nurse walk in and we explained what happened. She questioned me about a few things but in the end, said that he could stay, so he was really happy.

So...I had paged our secretary at school the night before and told her a bit of this story. Enough so that they could call and cancel my sub for the day so that I could go to work! Whew...I am so glad the school said that Shane could stay because if they had said he couldn't and I had canceled my sub...well, lets just say that my boss would not have been thrilled. So, everything worked out okay!

Adoption Lingo

This morning, someone sent me the link to a vlog (video log). This vlog discusses adoption and the language that people use when talking to one another regarding adoption. I thought it was VERY insightful and must say that I too have already experienced having some of these same things said to me. So, it made me think that maybe I should relay some of this information to whomever may read this (because I know I have such a HUGE fan base!) haha

There were 5 words, or phrases outlined in the vlog. 1) Is this your "real" child? 2) Did his/her parents "give him up"? 3) How much did it cost? 4) You can't get pregnant? 5) Oh, you will get pregnant now! I have heard some of these several times. I think the one that probably shocked me the most was "oh, so what's wrong with you? You can't get pregnant?"

To me, my ability to, or not to get pregnant is no one's business. In all honesty, my husband and I CHOSE not to have a child of our own, but to adopt a child instead. 3 months into our adoption, I now know that this was God's plan for our lives. It may not have been the plan that I had laid out in my head. You know me, being the planner and all and expecting things to go according to MY schedule. I think God must sit up there sometimes and just snicker at me when he sees how set in my ways I can be, when He has a much better plan in store.

So, when you meet someone with an adopted child just keep in mind that our children are absolutely our REAL children. His/Her parents were unable to care for him/her properly, so God chose us to do the job instead. The cost cannot be measured. Our children are worth more than we could ever give, so "price" is not even a question that COULD be answered if we wanted to. Pregnancy, well, regardless of who you are talking to, it's really no one's business and regarding getting pregnant after the adoption? Well, for some, it could happen, but for most (95% of people who have adopted a child) it's not part of God's plan.